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petty
BIAC Staff
USA
453 Posts |
 Posted - Jan 12 2004 : 12:40:38 PM
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Updated Employee Handbook -- Effective Immediately
>
>DRESS CODE:
>
>It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
>see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers &carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume
>you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If
>you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
>you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
>dress in- between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
> >not need a raise.
>
>SICK DAYS:
>
>We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
>are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
>SURGERY:
>
>Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
>all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
>intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
>
>PERSONAL DAYS:
>
>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
>Saturday &Sunday.
>
>VACATION DAYS:
>All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
>vacation days are as follows, Memorial Day, July 4, Thanksgiving
>Day & you either get day of on Dec. 25 or Jan. 1.
>
>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
>
>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
>friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
>subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
>
>ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
>
>This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
>notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
>
>RESTROOM USE:
>
>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
>will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all
>employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees
>whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're
>unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
>next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may
>swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve
>this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
>limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
>toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will
>be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
>company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
>
>LUNCH BREAK:
>
>Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
>they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
>balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
>for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take
>a diet pill.
>
>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
>positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
>concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
>insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
>input should be directed elsewhere.
>
>Have a nice week ,
>The Management
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Employee Handbook
